I didn't end up dressing up this year which is all good with me. I had an outfit but meh, we ended up staying in and watching movies. It was totally fun so no pics this year, sorry everyone!
Tomorrow I turn in my two weeks notice at work and I am scared and excited at the same time. It's a very odd feeling. I mean, I can't wait to move but the idea of being unemployed at this particular time is frightening. I am confident that things will be okay, generally they work out for me partly because I am willing to do any kind of work there is. I don't really care what I do as long as it is work.
On the other hand, I am so stoked to go to Cali and lounge around doing absolutely nothing. At least a month, a month of laziness, I think I've earned it personally. It will be my very first Xmas without snow, but my friends, whom I am staying with, said that we are going to do ALL kinds of decorating and it's going to be awesome. I love that idea. I adore decorating for holidays it is so much fun!
So, on the whole, though I am nervous as all get out, I am also excited to finally be free of AK. All is going well with me, I hope that all is going well for everyone else out there. Eat some candy for me, have a drink on my behalf and enjoy yourselves!
10/31/10
10/30/10
Happy All Hallows Eve
Okay tongue in cheek title before I get all kinds of craziness about dates and accuracy and whatnot.
Tonight is Halloween for us here in AK, mostly because it hasn't yet been declared a national holiday and so we are still obligated to work on Monday which sucks but meh. I haven't got a costume, I am so not about Halloween this year. I think I just got tres tired of trying to A. Find a costume that is made for fatties and B. having to spend $20-$40 more on my costumes because they have to use more fabric and tread or something like that. I just gave up under the crushing weight of depression that was following me around. Honestly I couldn't take the shopping anymore and didn't have time to make my own.
Then my friend texts me and says "Let's just put on some crazy outfits, make some capes and go as crazy superheroes!" So I'm thinking, okay, it's cheap I can live with that. Now I am realizing that there are so many clothes I just don't wear in public is it still okay to wear them on Halloween? lol. Of course it is, it's probably the only time of the year that I CAN wear them in public so... onward! w00t! I'll try to take some pics of our ridiculous outfits that were thrown together at the last minute. =P
Happy Halloween everyone!
Tonight is Halloween for us here in AK, mostly because it hasn't yet been declared a national holiday and so we are still obligated to work on Monday which sucks but meh. I haven't got a costume, I am so not about Halloween this year. I think I just got tres tired of trying to A. Find a costume that is made for fatties and B. having to spend $20-$40 more on my costumes because they have to use more fabric and tread or something like that. I just gave up under the crushing weight of depression that was following me around. Honestly I couldn't take the shopping anymore and didn't have time to make my own.
Then my friend texts me and says "Let's just put on some crazy outfits, make some capes and go as crazy superheroes!" So I'm thinking, okay, it's cheap I can live with that. Now I am realizing that there are so many clothes I just don't wear in public is it still okay to wear them on Halloween? lol. Of course it is, it's probably the only time of the year that I CAN wear them in public so... onward! w00t! I'll try to take some pics of our ridiculous outfits that were thrown together at the last minute. =P
Happy Halloween everyone!
10/29/10
Skepticism
As of today I am down 15 lbs. Every morning I stare at the scale skeptically not really willing to believe the numbers on it. I keep making my friends hop on my scale to make sure it is accurate because I don't believe in anything that is this easy.
Seriously, 10 drops a day and a 500 calorie a day diet but I'm not hungry. I have cravings but those are wants not needs and are usually triggered by driving past a fast food place or walking past the candy aisle at the store. Even those aren't so bad, I smoke a cigarette and it's all good.
I suppose the numbers on the scale aren't lying I just don't see how it is possible to lose 2-4 lbs a day... because that's what it averages out to. Everything throughout my entire life and all of the research I have done my entire life tells me this isn't possible or healthy but I feel better than I have in a long time.
I wish I could just sit back and enjoy the ride but I can't help my skepticism. I suppose if it works out it works out but I won't hold my breath until the weight is gone for an entire year.
Seriously, 10 drops a day and a 500 calorie a day diet but I'm not hungry. I have cravings but those are wants not needs and are usually triggered by driving past a fast food place or walking past the candy aisle at the store. Even those aren't so bad, I smoke a cigarette and it's all good.
I suppose the numbers on the scale aren't lying I just don't see how it is possible to lose 2-4 lbs a day... because that's what it averages out to. Everything throughout my entire life and all of the research I have done my entire life tells me this isn't possible or healthy but I feel better than I have in a long time.
I wish I could just sit back and enjoy the ride but I can't help my skepticism. I suppose if it works out it works out but I won't hold my breath until the weight is gone for an entire year.
10/26/10
Thoroughly Chastised
So today I got talked to at work about my attitude. MY attitude. lol. I am always so damn chirpy at work, but I got frustrated with a system we have that just wasn't working for me for whatever reason and I stopped smiling for like 2 minutes, go figure in that two minutes my boss walked by. Oye /rolls eyes.
So, my thought is this, "I don't give a flying fuck". I am so out of there in like 2.5 weeks so who cares? 2 minutes of not smiling and I just don't care anymore. I will still be nice and smiley at work and try not to stop smiling regardless of how bad my cheeks hurt.
Diet is going well so far. All I have to do is go for 1 month. Aside from the caffeine and sugar withdrawal I am good to go. So, here's to hoping tomorrow will be better. :)
So, my thought is this, "I don't give a flying fuck". I am so out of there in like 2.5 weeks so who cares? 2 minutes of not smiling and I just don't care anymore. I will still be nice and smiley at work and try not to stop smiling regardless of how bad my cheeks hurt.
Diet is going well so far. All I have to do is go for 1 month. Aside from the caffeine and sugar withdrawal I am good to go. So, here's to hoping tomorrow will be better. :)
10/25/10
A New Day A New Diet
So I am doing this HCG diet thing in the hopes that I will finally, after trying every diet plan available to me, be able to lose weight. I spent the entire weekend eating everything I wanted and am now constrained to a 500 calorie a day diet.
Now, while eating everything you want sounds great, in theory, it is actually horrible. The worst possibly torture I can imagine doesn't compare to the tortuous task of eating. I thought, "Hey, I get to eat every sweet thing I can in an effort to gain the 6-8 lbs the doctor wants me to gain, this'll be GREAT!" Yeah, no. By then end of the first day during which I ate every 30 mins per doctors orders, I went to bed feeling more full than I ever have in my life. All I wanted to do was throw up just so I could sleep but I gamely kept all of the food in my stomach and drifted off to dreamland. I awoke the next morning still full. I didn't think I could wake up STILL full but I did.
I figured, okay, one more day of this and it will be over, hopped on the scale and I managed to gain 5 lbs! w00t! Was I ever excited, only 3 lbs to go, this would be a breeze. I took my shower and I got some cereal (high fat with whole milk no less) and ate it, then felt ill. But I pushed on. Ate some twinkies and some ice cream and some candy bars, drank a soda, ate some nachos... at some point I think I blacked out.
I mean, obviously I don't eat great or I wouldn't be as heavy as I am, but, in all honesty, I actually eat a lot better than most of the skinny people I know. I eat a lot of fruits and veggies and try to cook from fresh. Two days of eating sweet fattening food and I don't think I could do it again. The thought of sugar actually makes me a little ill. I had a hard time drinking my tea because it is sweet (cinnamon and cloves, yummy!). I got on the scale this morning and it told me I lost 2 lbs. I decided, fuck it, I simply can't go through another day eating whatever happens to come my way. It just isn't possible. So... I am going to fudge the numbers and go on the 500 calorie diet which appeals to me much more. lol.
So now I am eating chicken and salad, and I like it. I am full and I don't want anything else. I can't abide the thought of eating anything sweet and sticky. bleh. If only I had known years ago that all I had to do to kill my sweet tooth was spend a weekend eating sweet things until I was ready to die I wouldn't be in this position now. However, onward and upward, at least I don't have any cravings at the moment. Now I just have to drink a gallon of water a day, which isn't a lot until you are thinking about it, and I should be okay.
Wish me luck, hoping to lose the 30 lbs as advertised! I figure if I can shock my body into losing the weight I will be able to lose more in the long run, but I don't think I can do another round of HCG simply because of the "pig-out days". Oye.
Moral of the story: Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. In my case it was doctor sanctioned eating and I don't want it again. =D
Now, while eating everything you want sounds great, in theory, it is actually horrible. The worst possibly torture I can imagine doesn't compare to the tortuous task of eating. I thought, "Hey, I get to eat every sweet thing I can in an effort to gain the 6-8 lbs the doctor wants me to gain, this'll be GREAT!" Yeah, no. By then end of the first day during which I ate every 30 mins per doctors orders, I went to bed feeling more full than I ever have in my life. All I wanted to do was throw up just so I could sleep but I gamely kept all of the food in my stomach and drifted off to dreamland. I awoke the next morning still full. I didn't think I could wake up STILL full but I did.
I figured, okay, one more day of this and it will be over, hopped on the scale and I managed to gain 5 lbs! w00t! Was I ever excited, only 3 lbs to go, this would be a breeze. I took my shower and I got some cereal (high fat with whole milk no less) and ate it, then felt ill. But I pushed on. Ate some twinkies and some ice cream and some candy bars, drank a soda, ate some nachos... at some point I think I blacked out.
I mean, obviously I don't eat great or I wouldn't be as heavy as I am, but, in all honesty, I actually eat a lot better than most of the skinny people I know. I eat a lot of fruits and veggies and try to cook from fresh. Two days of eating sweet fattening food and I don't think I could do it again. The thought of sugar actually makes me a little ill. I had a hard time drinking my tea because it is sweet (cinnamon and cloves, yummy!). I got on the scale this morning and it told me I lost 2 lbs. I decided, fuck it, I simply can't go through another day eating whatever happens to come my way. It just isn't possible. So... I am going to fudge the numbers and go on the 500 calorie diet which appeals to me much more. lol.
So now I am eating chicken and salad, and I like it. I am full and I don't want anything else. I can't abide the thought of eating anything sweet and sticky. bleh. If only I had known years ago that all I had to do to kill my sweet tooth was spend a weekend eating sweet things until I was ready to die I wouldn't be in this position now. However, onward and upward, at least I don't have any cravings at the moment. Now I just have to drink a gallon of water a day, which isn't a lot until you are thinking about it, and I should be okay.
Wish me luck, hoping to lose the 30 lbs as advertised! I figure if I can shock my body into losing the weight I will be able to lose more in the long run, but I don't think I can do another round of HCG simply because of the "pig-out days". Oye.
Moral of the story: Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. In my case it was doctor sanctioned eating and I don't want it again. =D
10/21/10
"I've got a Golden Ticket, I've got a golden chance to make my day..."
Thank you Willy Wonka for summarizing my feelings thusly.
I finally purchased my ticket and will be on my way out of here on December 1st. New month, new life, amazing how things coincide that way.
I realize that I love the things I have learned here but I am loathe to set aside the deeply rooted hatred I have also learned to feel. I am ready, ready to get out, ready to be done. Ready to be free and live the life I am supposed to live. I am bigger than this place I live in. I am supposed to be more and I will finally have the chances I didn't have as a child. The idea that I am an adult and I have more chances than I would have otherwise has occurred to me.
I can barely contain my elation, the e-mail confirmation was enough to make me giddy. The promise that it will so soon be over for me here. The promise that I will get to move on. The promise of a brand new day and a world full of possibilities. Ahh hope, the siren song you sing is irresistable.
I finally purchased my ticket and will be on my way out of here on December 1st. New month, new life, amazing how things coincide that way.
I realize that I love the things I have learned here but I am loathe to set aside the deeply rooted hatred I have also learned to feel. I am ready, ready to get out, ready to be done. Ready to be free and live the life I am supposed to live. I am bigger than this place I live in. I am supposed to be more and I will finally have the chances I didn't have as a child. The idea that I am an adult and I have more chances than I would have otherwise has occurred to me.
I can barely contain my elation, the e-mail confirmation was enough to make me giddy. The promise that it will so soon be over for me here. The promise that I will get to move on. The promise of a brand new day and a world full of possibilities. Ahh hope, the siren song you sing is irresistable.
And Here I Am
Faithfully following a long time friend. It is time for a change, in a month I am leaving AK. I am so over this land of ice and snow. I hate AK so much but don't ask me why. I can't pinpoint my hatred down to one specific thing. It's a combination of the people, the loooonnnggg winters, and sheer boredom at this point. On any given day my mood and reasons for leaving can change. Anyhow, the point is, I am starting fresh.
Who am I? I am a girl, sometimes a sad girl, sometimes a mad girl, lately a tired girl, mostly I am a happy girl. I have very strong convictions but I am willing to listen to anyone who can present me with a rational argument and listen to why I think they are wrong in return. I will give anyone a fair say but I simply cannot bear stupidity. I champion controversial causes simply because I can, but only if I agree with them and the long term affects they can have.
I am hoping that a new life will suit me.
Who am I? I am a girl, sometimes a sad girl, sometimes a mad girl, lately a tired girl, mostly I am a happy girl. I have very strong convictions but I am willing to listen to anyone who can present me with a rational argument and listen to why I think they are wrong in return. I will give anyone a fair say but I simply cannot bear stupidity. I champion controversial causes simply because I can, but only if I agree with them and the long term affects they can have.
I am hoping that a new life will suit me.
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