Introspection and Realizations

This week has been filled with much introspection, not all of it to the betterment of myself but all of it useful in it's own way I suppose.

I have come to the conclusion that I am still haplessly in love with the guy I left behind in AK. This is particularly troublesome for me because I KNOW he doesn't love me now and never will love me... at least not in the way I love him. He loves me as a friend (with benefits on occasion) but nothing more. I have resigned myself to contentment with this as I believe it will pass with time. None-the-less it is still hard for me to be in love with anyone as that is something I have reserved for... well no one in a very long time.

I am convinced that my love is too strong for the people I do love, even if they aren't the sole objects of my feelings, I do tend to focus. That's the OCD in me. He is... someone whom I have grown accustomed to. He has been very kind to me, kinder than anyone before him, and he treats me like I am special even though he says he doesn't have deeper feelings for me. I think sometimes that he is lying. That is likely wishful thinking on my part but still a nice fantasy to have.

My room mate here is... strange? I suppose that is the best way to put it. I mean, I know people change but I hadn't realized the extent to which he had changed until tonight. We were having dinner and talking and somehow got on the subject of smoking pot. I have and I find it is wholly relaxing for me and it makes me happy. That being said I don't do it often, haven't in several months as a matter of fact, but I would again if I had a stable job and it was readily available to me.

His opinion is that any type of mind altering substance is a form of escapism, I disagree with that. I do a lot of things simply because they make me feel good, not because I am trying to escape anything. I wasn't surprised by that statement but I was by the following, "I'm not debating this with you. I'm just going to negate everything you say by telling you you're wrong."

I have to say, I am pretty sure I did a double take when he said that. What? I mean, really? That isn't even an intelligent statement. Had he said something like, "You have the right to your opinion but I am going to disagree" I would have been cool with that. As it is he treated me as though I was a child who had no experience, no education, and no right to have a valid opinion. That upset me, REALLY upset me, possibly beyond all reason.

I am all for debate and discussion but just blindly negating whatever someone else has to say by refusing to listen or take into consideration their opinions and experiences? What is that? I don't do that with anyone. I have very strong opinions on things but I am always willing to listen to another persons thoughts on the matter and, if necessary, adjust my POV accordingly. I honestly would never have thought he had such a fundamentalist mindset of  "whatever I say is right because I say it and you aren't allowed to have a contradictory opinion because it's wrong." None of my friends has ever said anything akin to that to me. We are all reasonably intelligent and full of facts, opinions, and experiences we love to present to each other, that was mind boggling.

That being said, I'm not sure that I can be friends with him... at least not the way we used to be. Someone who displays that much of a lack of interest in alternate opinions or ideas kind of scares me. I don't know, this might take an awful lot more thinking on my part before I decide what to do. He's been my friend for 12 or 13 years now and I've never seen him do that before but... he has shown that side to me fairly often as of late so... eh.

Other news... tra la la... there isn't any. My life is fairly boring right now, an eternity of just waiting for things to start happening. =P Hope everyone is doing alright! 

Drinking for the Hell of It

I am currently drinking, I like to drink it makes me feel floaty and happy and, on occasion, invincible.

I have been kicked out of my apartment in Maryland and so am returning, in shame, to Palm Springs where I at least have friends that love me and a support system should things go awry for me again. Things tend to go awry for me at an alarming rate, I am just hoping I can sustain some semblance of acting like an adult long enough to procure myself a little studio apartment where I can have my cat. I miss my cat.

For the most part things are good here. I mean, aside from the whole getting kicked out fiasco. I have been walking every day and am steadily losing weight so I can be thankful for that. There are no bars in my immediate vicinity which has dangerously curbed my slow descent into passive alcoholism. It has also served to make me feel isolated and alone on occasion.

See, I am the kind of a person who needs to be around people, even if I don't particularly like them, I do crave the interaction. It is simply part of who I am. I need to interact with other human beings because... well I just do. There isn't anything else to it.

Palm Springs will be good for me I think. I have long time friends, new friends, and, as mentioned, a bangin' support system so I don't have to worry about falling down. I am already looking at jobs, I think a job doing housekeeping would be fun... mostly because of my OCD. Seriously... keeping things clean is almost the perfect job for me. I have been working on my writing and I am getting some fairly solid stuff down every couple of days so that is nice. If all goes well I can have an E-Book out at some time in the not so distant future! I have also been looking into making money blogging. I mean, that would definitely be my favorite thing to do as I love to write these silly little things. I have so many online diaries it's almost stupid, I should be making money off of them if at all possible.

So, lots of options for me, nothing that will make me instantly rich but at least things I enjoy could possibly become profitable for me.

Right now my lips are fairly numb, what this generally means is that I am drunk. To that end I am going to adjourn to the balcony and smoke a cigarette because we all know nothing goes with drinking quite like smoking a cigarette. =)

blah

Bah! OD is down again so I am posting here because I am addicted... like crack!

I don't know that I care so much for this site, but I am a diehard OD addict so that might be it. I suppose I should just learn how to navigate this one I may actually come to appreciate it.

There isn't terribly much going on today, it's windy and sunny and I am considering getting another cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette. I have a few more days here then it's back to AK then off to MD. Honestly... it's been a helluva ride and I am gonna be glad when it is over, I am ready to settle down and get a job again.

Awww... this is just not the same... I'm sorry all I don't think I will ever be entirely faithful to this site but... at least it is better than nothing and isn't down all the damn time for ages upon ages. =(

I'm outtie for the moment.

Sick People Doing Sick Things

In my random web browsing I came across the "1 boy 2 kittens" scandal in which a boy shot a video of him suffocating two kittens in a vacuum bag (one of the ones that is used to suck the air out of clothes and blankets and compresses them). There is a full video of this but I can't watch it because it is too cruel for me to handle, the one thing I cannot take is the killing of innocents, all animals fall under the heading of innocent in my book. You can Google it and attempt to find the video, there are various YouTube videos that have excerpts if you type in "1 boy 2 kittens". There is an FB page for anyone with any information regarding the identity of the boy in the video which I will include a link for. I would include the link to the full video but I can't bear to spread that sort of depravity, there are links on YouTube. If you think that you can help find him then please do, not just because of the kittens but because someone this psychologically damaged will very likely grow up to kill people.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/home.php?sk=group_173770029323074&ap=1- This is the FB page for those who can provide any information, provided you can actually watch the video.

Quick Post

Just a quick post today to say Merry X-Mas or Happy Holidays depending on what you celebrate! Regardless I hope you have a great day!

Being Bored

So OD is down again, bug surprise there /rolls eyes. I am contemplating on what the hell to do with myself, I have been smoking like crazy and sucking on... wait for it... candy canes of course all you naughty folks out there ;). I had duck for dinner tonight, first time I have had duck, it was good, kind of like chicken and turkey had a baby. It's raining buckets which is, I suppose, preferable to snow... I still wish it was sunshine though.

My libido, overactive at the best of times, is going into over drive and there is no one to satisfy it. I am visiting the wrong place, all the gays in the US seem to live in Palm Springs lmao. I am contemplating trying to find a girl to chillax and do naughty things with but even they seem to be in short supply. Honestly I could just go for some old fashioned fun right now, NSA, FWB, whatever. It doesn't help that I was getting regular pleasure from an occasional lover (how I adore that phrase) in AK and now that is just gone, my body wants what it wants dammit.

Meh, I will live, I have before and, undoubtedly, will again. I think it's the fact that I am going stir crazy that makes it even harder. I can drive but I am terrified to do so here, I have no experience driving outside of AK which is so different from the way people drive here. Also, I get lost really easily, even in AK I would get lost on occasion and I was born and raised there. If I leave the house I might end up in tears trying to find my way back. >.>

I will have to suck it up, put on my big girl panties and get out of the house on my own eventually I suppose, walking could be an option just not a preferable one due to my arthritis (I know, at 26 no less). Right now I would settle for a book I hadn't read before. So, down the coffee, smoke a cigarette and write because there is nothing else to do right now.

Not in a bad mood, just in a bored one. I think I have written over 10,000 words today cumulatively, honestly if I could just be that prolific when I was trying to actually write a book I would be set to go lol. Ix mox nix I suppose, I will figure something out. For now I am glad I have been able to allay my boredom for the 5 minutes it took to write this. Sorry I don't have anything terribly wonderful and interesting to write about, you just get stories about my little life in a big world for now. =P

Naughty or Nice?

So here, in the rain, with naught else to do but think I suppose it is inevitable that my thoughts would eventually turn inward. The question today is why I feel the necessity to keep two online diaries, several handwritten diaries, and countless writings on my computer. I have to wonder what I have to say that is so all-fired important and that is a question I honestly cannot answer. I don't know what I feel like I have to say, maybe that is the reason I write so often and so much. I am trying to find my voice, the one thing I have to say that no one else has said before. Unfortunately I am finding that much of what I have to say and all of my speculations have been said or speculated on before in one way or another.

I have also found that I have a tendency to be whiny, which is a failing IMHO. I don't like to be whiny and certainly don't want people reading my writings to think that I am asking for them to sympathize with me or give me any sort of pity. I am generally capable of working out my own problems.

I can only hope that someone, somewhere will be lucky enough to learn what not to do from what I write. I have calmed as I have grown older and I am happy with that, I appreciate my own maturity and the struggles I have gone through in order to obtain it. There isn't anything that has happened to me that hasn't contributed to the person I am today. I am pleased with who I am for the most part however, in the words of one of my supervisors, "I don't want to give you high marks in everything because I don't want you to think you can't improve".

With X-Mas around the corner I suppose some introspection is required if only to determine my levels of naughtiness vs niceness. All in all I think I have been much more nice this year than I was last year, I haven't left any broken hearts or hurt feelings behind I don't think. I keep forgetting X-Mas is on it's way mostly because of the lack of snow here. I am not used to it after 26 years of snow on X-Mas.

So this is my introspection for the day, all in all I feel I have been more nice than naughty... and even my naughtiness is nice to someone. ;) Merry X-Mas everyone!