I Didn't Realize Until It Was Too Late

Leaving him again, losing again, putting it out of my mind that I am leaving behind the one person whom I have loved for so long. Knowing that I will never have the delightful sense of intimacy and comfort that I have with him ever again because I will never tell anyone of my past again. No one will ever know me as well as he does again, he is the last and the best. And why not? Is it possible that there really is just one person in the world for everyone, have I found mine and lost him twice in the span of 6 years?

I didn't realize until just now how hard it is going to be to leave behind what I have. Not the place, not even the people, just him. The irony of it is if he had asked me to stay, hinted that he needed me to stay or wanted me the way that I want him I would have stayed, even if it killed me, I would have stayed.

It's the never ending conundrum of my life that I will want what I simply cannot have. I got a taste of something I didn't think I would ever get a taste of and now... now I am loathe to give it up. The companionship, the way I can be myself with him in a way that I can't be with anyone else, that I have never been able to be with anyone else. He looks at me and sees something that no one else sees and it still isn't good enough for him for some reason, it just isn't enough.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, I knew I wasn't enough, past experience has taught me well that I am not enough, I am missing something that other people have and I don't know what it is exactly.

"It will be harder than you think to replace you." Words I have longed to hear for so long, that I am worth it, that I am worth something more than I think I am, that someone thinks that I am different, that I will be difficult to replace, that I offer something other people don't. The pain that I feel that I apparently will not be so difficult to replace because he didn't ask me to stay.

Last time counts for all, last words and first impressions are what really matters. I got my taste of things I didn't think I would ever get to have and that should be enough for me, but it's not. I haven't been with or thought of being with anyone except him for so long I don't remember what it is like to want anyone else. Even when he was with someone else, he was all I wanted and I didn't taint myself with another person, waiting patiently and encouraging him in his "love" confident he would come back to me. Lo and behold my butterfly came back and now I must let him go yet again. I have no choice.

I shouldn't be indulging in this awful act of auto-cannibalism but I am unable to do anything else right now. I am paralyzed with pain, fear, and regret. The fact that I can't say the words I want to say to him, that I can't tell him I love him because he doesn't love me, he will break me again... nay, he has broken me again. He offered me the forbidden fruit and I gorged myself on it. Basking in the warm light of a world, a life, that I thought was unattainable and it was. I have been fooling myself, taking part in my make-believe world, playing house with him and letting myself believe that I have attained what I set out to attain. I allowed myself to think that I could be more, have more, if I was just patient and waited for him to realize what it was that I meant to him.

I have comforted myself by living in a dream and ignoring the consequences. I have brought this upon myself by trying to pluck the stars from the sky and he must never know. I cannot tell him what it is I feel, that is the one secret I keep to myself because to do anything else would cheapen what it was that I pretended I had and I don't want to taint the memories of my golden age.

Maybe it is because I am young, because I feel young, because my emotional growth halted when I turned 14, when what I had that was so precious was stolen from me by a cruel boy who thought I was ripe for the taking. In spirit, in experience I am not so young as people think I am, emotionally I have never progressed beyond being a child. Never learned to be an adult. A string of one night stands, of people who treated me like I was nothing more than a warm body to placate them for the time being. A thing
to be used and tossed aside when they were done with me. A life filled with friends and devoid of love, then him.

He has shined golden for me since I met him 7 years ago. He was the light at the end of my tunnel, he understood me and what's more, he accepted me. He didn't try to buy me, he didn't want to use me, he gave me something I didn't have and I offered him all I had to offer, my body but not my soul, my mind but not my heart... he took them anyhow. He didn't want my heart but he coaxed it from me almost without trying.

Then we fought, we fought and I won and lost. I won the the friendship of the person we fought over but I lost him and it almost killed me. It took me 6 months to be able to function like a normal person again and in those six months I came so close to killing myself that the blood was already dripping from my veins. I simply couldn't live without him, then I learned. I learned to survive to move on to be. Not to live but to function. The world was still gray, without him the color was gone, the wonder was gone. I led a life that people were jealous of, my ability to love and leave people behind without a second glance. My ability to always be surrounded by friends, by people who at least pretended they cared. Deep down... I never got over him.

Then the day came, 4 years later, 3.5 years since the lowest point in my life, he was back we formed a tentative friendship then we started sleeping together. And I broke my own rules. I slept with him more than 3 times, I let myself fall for him, I shared things with him I haven't shared with anyone ever, not even my best friend. I gave and gave until I was no longer myself and I let my guard down. I fell in love with him again. Hard. Harder than before, deeper than before, it was a rabbit hole and I fell so far down into a world of sunshine and smiles, I was living in one of my stories. The stories of love, the fairytales I love so much, pain wasn't there, anger, hurt, and sadness were banished. I haven't been sad since I started sleeping with him. I haven't hurt myself or cursed my existence. I have been... happy. It's a novel way for me to feel.

Now I am leaving and I feel the darkness descending as it is wont to do. I don't know what to do to stop it. My heart is breaking into a million pieces and it's a pain unlike any other I have experienced. I didn't know there was this kind of pain in the world, didn't know that anyone would be capable of bearing it but here I am, bearing it. I will, and I know I will be able to carry on, I just don't know if the colors will be as bright, I don't know if I will ever be happy again like I have been. I don't know if it is possible. It's like a dream, you wake and it starts to fade, but you know it was good because you remember pieces of it. The pieces don't make a comprehensive whole but they tantalize you with the possibility of knowing what it was that you were imagining while you were asleep.

This is my dream, realized, in the waking world. The dream of being worth something, of someone telling me I was worth something. However, I must remember this is not a movie, not a book, not a fairytale, it is simply life and the deck has been stacked against me since the beginning. It's like everyone at the table can count cards except me... and my poker face isn't working because they know the hand I have been dealt. I can't win, I can't do anything but keep on playing because I don't have a choice. I remember freedom, remember the light at the end of the tunnel, remember that someone was helping me at some point... but now it is back to the same old game.

I feel like I am dying and there is no one I can tell. This is death, true death, a waking, living death. This is what death feels like and I am loathe to give in but what choice do I have? I am too old and tired to fight it anymore. Just let me out of here, get me as far away as possible so I can start a new dream, a new game... one that will undoubtedly be stacked against me but a new game at the very least.

Tomorrow is my last day and our last kiss is still sweet on my lips. It will likely be gone tomorrow but for now it is here, it is here and that is all I can ask for, that it be here. That my golden boy will be with me in my dreams tonight because he can't be here in reality.

Oh the twisted web I weave when first I practice to deceive... myself.

On Moving

I have managed 3 nervous breakdown in the last two days, complete with weeping, staring at walls, and pulling my hair out. I am on the verge of getting a giant dumpster outside my open window or balcony and just throwing all of my shit into it. Fuck it, I have packed my clothes that is all I need, my laptop will fit into a backpack and my cell phone in my pocket. I am golden, just peachy fucking keen. Oye.

It's gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore, or can't care... who knows, who can tell the difference? I can't all I know is that I am tres stressed and ready to throw my hands up and say "I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ANYMORE!" to everyone then leave on that note, because honestly I don't. Everything I have is replaceable I can get it again and give it away again too. So that's okay. Urgh... okay I am off to find something that will cloud my brain and make me pleasant again.

So Near And Yet So Far

10 days and counting.

It amuses me that only my best friend realizes how frazzled I actually am. I want to curl up in a corner and everything is so much more difficult to do without a car. My mom isn't going to be here until around the 24th which leaves only 6 days to move and pack and get the cat it's shots and clean. Oye.

Cutting it close much? Yes. I have been working at it but everything I move just makes more of a mess than before. >< I can't decide what I am tossing because I can't get anything out of the way. It's driving me crazy! lol.

Oh well, it will be a push but we should be able to do it. =) Hope everyone is doing great!

So Much Stuff

14 days to go and so much left to do. My hope is that my mom being up here will result in a whirlwind of activity that includes getting everything done. It took me an entire day to go through all of my clothes, now I have 2 bags of giveaway, 1 bag of toss, and the rest that I am keeping. My goals have NOT been met as of now. I am wondering how it is all going to get done. I have no energy and I think it is the fault of this diet I am on. 500 calories a day is just not enough to be able to do everything I have to do which includes moving the fridge and stove in the kitchen to clean, doing a LOT of deep cleaning in my house, sorting, packing, scrubbing, shipping, etc etc. I forgot how difficult it was just to move let alone leave.

My mom is planning on being up here for 9 days. My patience with my family has a shelf life of 48 hours tops. I don't know how I am going to do it except to remember she wants to spend time with me before I go for good. She loves me in her own convoluted way. It makes me wonder if motherlove or familylove is so difficult for everyone or if there is something wrong with me. My family doesn't bring me the joy and love that I would expect they would, the joy and love and peace I find with my friends and their families. It begs the question of whether it is something that is actually wrong with me or if there is something fundamentally wrong with my family, like a sickness that just doesn't ever get better.

Ix Mox Nix I suppose. I will get through it like I have gotten through everything else. Put the unanswerable questions on the back shelf and let them gather the dust they so deserve. I do love my family I just have no patience with them in all honesty.

This whole thing is so emotional for me even though I am the least emotional person that I know. I never thought it would be this hard to leave. I have always wanted to leave, have no regrets about leaving but still... it is difficult. People keep telling me how brave I am to just up and go with no clear plan, but that is what I have always done, just gone on about my merry way with no plan. I learned early on that plans are made only to be broken, life doesn't work out the way that you want it to and the older you get the more difficult it is to get back on track.

Time to get back to work I suppose, this is the worst of it, these last two weeks, then things will get better, they usually do.

Once Upon A Time

There was a very tired girl. /sigh

I look around my house and I can't bear the thought of going through all of my things and deciding what I want to keep and what I want to get rid of.

There's the cup I stole from Red Robin for my 21st birthday, my only intentional act of petty crime and the first legal alcoholic drink I ever bought. My first cat's ashes. Movies and books I have spent years collecting. Clothes that I have had since I was 16 years old. A shelf I have had since I was 11 that is now masquerading as my TV stand. It's exhausting deciding what to keep and what to toss, give away, or sell... then there is the daunting task of deciding what things are worth in reality vs what they are worth to me emotionally.

I have a really good idea of what it is that I want to keep and what I want to get rid of. Time seems to be going so fast though and I just can't bring myself to do it. I am so glad that my mom and sister are coming up to help me out and take a lot of my things off my hands. The thing that is going to be hardest for me to leave behind is my cat. It's only for a month or two but you know, he's my baby.

There are so many things and people I am leaving behind, and, let's face it, I am terrified. Terrified of starting a new life in a place where I won't know anything or anyone except for one person. One person in my entire world, no job, no prospects. /shivers

I know I'll be okay, change is scary and it's about time I had some. It's just so hard to leave everything in the world I have ever known behind and go someplace where everything is new.

EPIC FAIL of a Sunday

Okay so, yesterday started out crap. I borrowed my friends car and parked it in MY parking spot b/c I don't have a car right now and they towed it. That's right... towed it. It cost $300 to get it out of impound, how ridiculous is that? Meh, I need to talk to my apt manager about this because I am still pretty hot about it.

Then I cleaned my kitchen and my bedroom. I got ALL of my clothes hung up and I was so done for the night because my back and BOTH my feet were hurting due to twisting my ankles while walking to and from work in this heinous snow. A few hours later I was watching tv and I hear this "CRASH... BAM... bam... bam" I think the cat has knocked something over so I go into the bedroom and MY CLOSET HAS COLLAPSED. That's right, the L-Brackets pulled out of the wall and everything was on the floor. I suppose my clothes must prefer the floor as they are ALL dwelling there at this point.

So my apartment caused me nothing but trouble yesterday and I am just fed up with it. I suppose it was some cosmic message to put my damn clothes in a suitcase and not worry about hanging them up, that is I would if I believed in that sort of a thing. /sigh. On the upside... the clothes are all neatly on hangars now so...  yeah.

I am so glad I only have 3 days of work left. I am in pain, annoyed, and mentally checked out at this point. I don't mind my job so much, I just hate listening to whiny people whine about shit and then get mad because I can't fix it for them. /shakes head.

Oh well, that's my rant for the day. Sorry to be so negative but it was one hell of a weekend. =)

On Being Lectured By A Subway Employee

I went to Subway tonight with my friends. One of them was up from California so I don't get to see him often now. I didn't order anything since my diet forbids pretty much everything but the food I cook myself. I was okay with it because I like hanging out with my friends.

Anyhow, the point of all of this was that the guy refilling the chips interrupted my conversation with my friend. I was like, "Okay, that's fine, let's listen politely then get back to each other." It was okay, although tres awkward, and I managed to get my friends food and get sat down to eat. In the midst of our conversation, whilst eating, this guy interrupts us again.

All of these interruptions were in order to lecture us on diet... seriously, in a Subway, getting lectured on diet. Now, I don't often mind when socially awkward teens take it upon themselves to talk to me, however, in this case I was extremely irritated. Firstly because I was visiting with a friend that I so rarely get the pleasure to see, secondly I really despise receiving unsolicited diet advice from people who think they know what they are talking about.

Why don't kids just do their job without talking to me? Is it too much to ask that I go into a place of business and I am not accosted by every person that works there? I know what they are told about customer service and about approaching the customer and blah, blah, blah. I don't think it is good customer service to take up my time asking me stupid questions or offering me unsolicited advice. If I ask a question please answer it, if I don't ask a question then obviously I don't need your assistance. That is my view of customer service.

The only people who demand that workers carry on a conversation with them are those people who are so lonely they go to department stores or call a call center for the social interaction. These are the people that make it a requirement that customer service providers invade my space and offer me products and services that I don't want OR need. Can't we just hire people to go talk to these lonely fuckers? I know there are people out there who will do it... and look! I just created a WHOLE new job industry just for people who like to talk to other people about shit that doesn't matter!

Urgh, sorry I was just so annoyed. I can't stand it when people interrupt my conversations. I also can't stand it when these people call in and talk to me about all of their problems like I actually care. They don't care that they give me a headache. They don't care that their hour long story makes me late clocking off and getting to my bus. They don't care about my aches and pains. Why should I care about theirs? I don't, I just really REALLY don't.

It's a good thing I am competent and good at faking empathy or I wouldn't ever get a job anywhere. People annoy me so much.

Oh well, I did get to see my friend. I had a good time. I am glad that I got to see him. Have a good night everyone!

Today is a Bleh Day

It's cloudy, snowy, cold, gray, and yuck. To top it off I feel fat, and I am hungry and full of water at the same time. It's seriously pissing me off. I've been starving myself for two weeks and I am exhausted and all I want is just to order a damn pizza and some soda and gorge myself until I fall over.

I don't want to give up. Rephrase... I won't give up. I know it's working, and way faster than I could have expected but I don't know. I must be losing weight because the scale says so. I suppose I'm just too close to the problem is all.

I miss going out and getting drunk enough to dance, I miss calling my friends and saying, "Hey, lets grab some pizza and watch crappy movies and veg out!" I'm just so bleh.

Meh... I'm going to bed so I can stop thinking about food.

TidBits

So I got up this morning and my day started out really well. I tried on a pair of my goal pants, the FIRST pair and they buttoned and zippered up just fine! They are still a little tight to be wearing normally but I think another 5 lbs should do it. I was totally stoked! Also, I managed to unearth my, I thought, long lost hiking boots! I know, this sounds like a little thing, completely incidental, but it IS winter here in AK which means ice and snow, the boots are better than sneakers.

I was totally stoked, the walk wasn't too terrible despite ice and snow, and I actually managed to find music instead of a "morning show" on my MP3 player/walkman, I <3 Sony mucho. It wasn't even terribly cold out thanks to the cloud cover.

Today has been good, I am relatively happy and my goal for this weekend is to get my room spic and span. All of my clothes washed, tossed, or donated depending on what they look like. And to get my old computer and computer desk (with chair!) on Craigslist in the hopes of selling it. If I can get $400 out of it I will be happy. :)

Life is good in general, totally spectacular depending on which part you focus on in particular. I can only hope that things continue going as well as they have been and I am counting down the days until I leave.

27 days and counting...

Back On Track

So I just cut up and measured 8 days worth of food, can you imagine? 8 days. That was just the meat of course, the rest is bits and baubles. I am happy to know that I have over a weeks worth of food ready to go. It's a good feeling. Granted, it's all steak, but I had a LOT of steak because I am a carnivore. And it only cost 27.58, who knew I could eat for a week on 27.58? I didn't.

It's amazing, after measuring all of my food and eating in proper portions rather than American "portions", to see how much food I used to eat. It's only been a week and my entire view of food has changed. I hope that I don't backslide, which is what I tend to do. I love to eat, that's just how it is, but I am learning that loving to eat doesn't have to mean that you eat until you can't anymore... except maybe on Thanksgiving and X-Mas =P.

Also, I have found that having to weigh my food and measure it out and cook it makes me want to eat so much less than I wanted to before. As a matter of fact I have found myself wanting to skip eating just because I was so sick of cooking. =D

I have calmed considerably. I am happy with my decision dammit and no amount of stress is going to make me think otherwise. Yay for moving! Huzzah!

Almost Time For Sleep

So I am sitting here watching "How I Met Your Mother" a show I have fallen in love with and thinking, "OMFG, it's snowing outside and I have to work tomorrow...urgh" and thinking about everything that I have to do in the next four weeks... and I feel like I can't. I am simply not equipped to deal with all of this. Oye.

Why in the hell do I do this? I don't understand. I am so stoked to be moving, I really am, totally excited, but... there is so much work to do and no time to do it in. Cleaning the house, selling my stuff, going through clothes, giving stuff away, shipping other stuff... where does the time come from? Granted I will have 2 weeks at the end of this month, 14 days to get everything done that I have to get done. Now I am not going to be able to sleep.

/PANIC/

Okay... deep breath. What am I doing? Leaving a secure place, a good job, a place where I know everyone and am able to get around without thinking about it, and for what? A whisper and a promise of something new, a sparkle of hope that I feel at the idea of starting a brand new life. Oh dear, I am going to lose it. I never go off half cocked and yet, here I am. Fleeing my life with a few thousand dollars in the hope that things will go better somewhere that isn't here.

Okay... deep breath again... I need a cigarette.

*Brief Interlude*

Okay, back again. I think I will be okay, it's a small house and my mom and sister are going to come up and help me. As for a new life, well... I have the totally unique chance to reinvent myself as someone else. Everything in my past doesn't HAVE to be there.

Crazy drunk mom? Gone. Foster care and those horror stories? Pish, who needs 'em, not I. Everything else that makes me who I am? Don't need it to be me, right? Yeah... so... yeah.

Urrr... well, I will think about it and get over it I guess. No turning back now, I do best in panic mode. So deep breath and...........

******PANIC******

Ha! Loves it!

2 Weeks

I turned in my 2 week notice today and, despite the slightly ill feeling I get thinking about looking for a new job, I am happy with my decision. For the first time since I can remember I feel free! I wanted to skip around work today, as it was I couldn't stop smiling. No complaints about my attitude today! ahahaha!

I am looking forward to going shopping in Cali and getting entirely new outfits. I am down 20 lbs as of today and my clothes are, literally, falling off of me! I am so ridiculously happy about that. I put on my pants and shirt this morning and realized how "flat" (for lack of a better word) my tummy looked. Then, while I was walking, I had to keep pulling up my pants. It was annoying and amazing at the same time.

To quote Harry Zidler in Moulin Rouge "Everything's going sooo well!"

I wish I could share my happy with everyone else out there! Hope everyone else is doing well!