Sick People Doing Sick Things

In my random web browsing I came across the "1 boy 2 kittens" scandal in which a boy shot a video of him suffocating two kittens in a vacuum bag (one of the ones that is used to suck the air out of clothes and blankets and compresses them). There is a full video of this but I can't watch it because it is too cruel for me to handle, the one thing I cannot take is the killing of innocents, all animals fall under the heading of innocent in my book. You can Google it and attempt to find the video, there are various YouTube videos that have excerpts if you type in "1 boy 2 kittens". There is an FB page for anyone with any information regarding the identity of the boy in the video which I will include a link for. I would include the link to the full video but I can't bear to spread that sort of depravity, there are links on YouTube. If you think that you can help find him then please do, not just because of the kittens but because someone this psychologically damaged will very likely grow up to kill people.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/home.php?sk=group_173770029323074&ap=1- This is the FB page for those who can provide any information, provided you can actually watch the video.

Quick Post

Just a quick post today to say Merry X-Mas or Happy Holidays depending on what you celebrate! Regardless I hope you have a great day!

Being Bored

So OD is down again, bug surprise there /rolls eyes. I am contemplating on what the hell to do with myself, I have been smoking like crazy and sucking on... wait for it... candy canes of course all you naughty folks out there ;). I had duck for dinner tonight, first time I have had duck, it was good, kind of like chicken and turkey had a baby. It's raining buckets which is, I suppose, preferable to snow... I still wish it was sunshine though.

My libido, overactive at the best of times, is going into over drive and there is no one to satisfy it. I am visiting the wrong place, all the gays in the US seem to live in Palm Springs lmao. I am contemplating trying to find a girl to chillax and do naughty things with but even they seem to be in short supply. Honestly I could just go for some old fashioned fun right now, NSA, FWB, whatever. It doesn't help that I was getting regular pleasure from an occasional lover (how I adore that phrase) in AK and now that is just gone, my body wants what it wants dammit.

Meh, I will live, I have before and, undoubtedly, will again. I think it's the fact that I am going stir crazy that makes it even harder. I can drive but I am terrified to do so here, I have no experience driving outside of AK which is so different from the way people drive here. Also, I get lost really easily, even in AK I would get lost on occasion and I was born and raised there. If I leave the house I might end up in tears trying to find my way back. >.>

I will have to suck it up, put on my big girl panties and get out of the house on my own eventually I suppose, walking could be an option just not a preferable one due to my arthritis (I know, at 26 no less). Right now I would settle for a book I hadn't read before. So, down the coffee, smoke a cigarette and write because there is nothing else to do right now.

Not in a bad mood, just in a bored one. I think I have written over 10,000 words today cumulatively, honestly if I could just be that prolific when I was trying to actually write a book I would be set to go lol. Ix mox nix I suppose, I will figure something out. For now I am glad I have been able to allay my boredom for the 5 minutes it took to write this. Sorry I don't have anything terribly wonderful and interesting to write about, you just get stories about my little life in a big world for now. =P

Naughty or Nice?

So here, in the rain, with naught else to do but think I suppose it is inevitable that my thoughts would eventually turn inward. The question today is why I feel the necessity to keep two online diaries, several handwritten diaries, and countless writings on my computer. I have to wonder what I have to say that is so all-fired important and that is a question I honestly cannot answer. I don't know what I feel like I have to say, maybe that is the reason I write so often and so much. I am trying to find my voice, the one thing I have to say that no one else has said before. Unfortunately I am finding that much of what I have to say and all of my speculations have been said or speculated on before in one way or another.

I have also found that I have a tendency to be whiny, which is a failing IMHO. I don't like to be whiny and certainly don't want people reading my writings to think that I am asking for them to sympathize with me or give me any sort of pity. I am generally capable of working out my own problems.

I can only hope that someone, somewhere will be lucky enough to learn what not to do from what I write. I have calmed as I have grown older and I am happy with that, I appreciate my own maturity and the struggles I have gone through in order to obtain it. There isn't anything that has happened to me that hasn't contributed to the person I am today. I am pleased with who I am for the most part however, in the words of one of my supervisors, "I don't want to give you high marks in everything because I don't want you to think you can't improve".

With X-Mas around the corner I suppose some introspection is required if only to determine my levels of naughtiness vs niceness. All in all I think I have been much more nice this year than I was last year, I haven't left any broken hearts or hurt feelings behind I don't think. I keep forgetting X-Mas is on it's way mostly because of the lack of snow here. I am not used to it after 26 years of snow on X-Mas.

So this is my introspection for the day, all in all I feel I have been more nice than naughty... and even my naughtiness is nice to someone. ;) Merry X-Mas everyone!

A Rant

So I finally got out, and now I ma here and I feel so very lost. California is beautiful really but I am lonely and sad though I wouldn't tell my friends that. Oddly it's not depression, more like homesickness except I don't want to go back to AK... I just want J back. I know that he doesn't feel about me the way I do about him which makes it even more disgusting and I
keep trying to tell myself I hate him for that but my mind has love and hate inextricably bound to each other. I don't love him anymore but hatred is an emotion just as volatile. I just want him because being with him is like coming home. It's warm and safe and I can actually be myself around him in a way that I can't be with other people.

In other news, it's been so beautiful here though the gays are so very much different than what I am used to. For one they are mostly older and in relationships, for two a lot of them are very stand offish. One of my friends in AK was astounded to hear that I wasn't going out with the gays here to party every night, I explained the situation and he told me I should make a Nat Geo documentary which just about killed me I was laughing so hard. Can you imagine traveling around making documentaries about gays?

I'm beginning to realize that emotionally my growth stopped when I was 14, literally stopped, which may account for many of the problems I have had. The issue is that I don't know how to allow myself to grow up emotionally, "once bitten, twice shy" after all. It's not that I am immature in actuality, but that is possibly because I have always acted older than I am so I have coasted on that. My worry is that I won't be able to grow any more without something significant happening to me. I am aware that changing my entire life is significant in and of itself and was probably the catalyst for this realization. I just don't know how to proceed from here. One thing I don't think I can do or should do is fall back into the pattern I had before, I think I need to allow my self to experience and cultivate a HEALTHY relationship rather than just coasting by on one night stands, playing house with my gays, or giving in emotionally to men who, while they do care about me, can never care for me the way that I care for them.

However, barring all of this, I don't know that I can handle having a relationship with anyone at this point. Maybe it would be best if I just gave myself time to learn who I was. I have always been an independent person with strong opinions and moral codes. I have come to realize that I am not certain anymore what opinions I have formed based on my personal experiences and what opinions have been formed because they match the opinions of my various friends or lovers. This disturbs me as I have never consciously been in the habit of kow towing to others in anything, it seems subconsciously I have been doing so all along. I need time to be a little person in a big world and I think that I am giving myself that time in the only way I know how, by withdrawing from everyone and everything that I have ever known and learning to be alone. Learning to count on myself and no one else.

I know people tell me all the time that I should go and talk to someone about all of this but I can't. I simply cannot express, verbally, what it is that goes on in my head because I don't fully understand it myself. Writing is the ONLY way that I can do this and, while I could go visit a counselor/therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist I don't think they would care to read through everything I have ever written in my life to try and fully understand the enigma that I am to myself. Maybe loneliness is the only cure for what it is that is wrong with me.

Sorry for the long rant, I am really okay here with people who love me and a wealth of new experiences that are just waiting for me to happen upon them. I hope everyone is doing as well as I am right now.